Grief's Gifts

The feeling starts in your stomach like a nauseous wave, a heartache, or maybe it’s that punch in the throat. Whatever it is, it’s the start of what someone would call an anxiety attack. If you have worked with me, then you know my stance on anxiety attacks/anxiety. I don’t believe in it because I’ve renamed what was happening.

The phrase that I’ve coined is emotional Notifications. The body is receptive to everything going on within it. It can tell when the weather changes. It can perceive when somebody close to you is lying or is in danger. It can let us know when food that we’re eating makes it feel good or is toxic. It will let you know when it’s coming in contact with something unhealthy, and we’ll fight to remove it. It’s a remarkable instrument when we know how to utilize it. The body's natural goal is balance. And when that’s disrupted, it follows its weakest link.

So many emotions we have from the beginning of our arrival in this body are overlooked, under-researched, and untrained. We often focus on things like happy, sad, love, and anger. Today, we’re gonna drive into grief. Grief is an interesting experience because it incorporates so many different emotions. The hardest part about grief is the gravity and its unsuspecting ability to occur.

Yes, grief is an entity all of its own. Something that must be named and given boundaries. While at the same time must not be bottled, caged, or ignored. I recently experienced two different losses. They both hit me in vastly different ways. One I felt in the depths of my heart and soul, creating a feeling like my heart was shattering, and breath would be impossible. The other was a total body numbing as I witnessed life transitioning and felt a detachment. It was a painful observation of something that hurt to experience, but I had already come to terms with it. 

What happened next was the uninvited, an unsolicited appearance of grief. The first experience covered my whole world and felt as though I was in a bubble of deep gravity. This was an experience met with a deep dive within to find mastery of self. The heart, the lungs, the throat, the mind, and even the stomach must be mastered. Matter is fleeting, so I had to go within to reset. Truth is, it wasn’t the situation that was causing the discord; it was what was taking place within my mind. It’s all taking place in our minds!! This is true shadow and light work. It’s also a solo work. 

There are many ways to help emotions flow through the body. But the emotions that flow through also attach. The muscles, the nervous system, and the fascia all store and remember. It’s why when you remember something, you have a reaction within your body. I remember hearing a story a long time ago about a woman who had had a severe trauma. She started working out years later and found herself hysterical on the treadmill while running. During her traumatic experience, she used to run to help her process and reset herself to move forward. Years later, when she started running, the body remembered. The same thing is true for when we hear a song or smell a scent that reminds us of something we loved or lost. Our minds are not the only filing cabinet of emotions. Many different components within our bodies are as well.

This is why grief is such a powerful experience. Because it encompasses so many emotions and forgotten memories. It is connected to one of the most undertaught realities. Change and loss are natural and unavoidable. This means death is happening all the time and is just as precious and beautiful as life. We have just villainized it as something to avoid or to be scared of.

The truth is, if we understand how to move in the areas of loss, change, and death, we would find that grief would become celebration. But this does not mean the experience would be absent of pain or discomfort. Just like the idea of anxiety, if we understand, anxiety is just unregulated excitement; it loses its power as something daunting. 

Growing up in a space where death was a promise of heaven, but really a great unknown promise of pain and suffering, the loss of my grandparents created deep attachments to sadness. So now when I smell something that reminds me of my grandmama, my body has a very deep emotional reaction. Because my awareness and belief system around death changed when my Grammy died, when I come across something of hers, I have a thought of love and will miss her, but my body does not respond with any deep emotional expression. 

Understanding how the mind works when it comes to emotion and experiences is critical. There is no magic pill or special button that takes you away from the emotional experience. There is, however, a power in knowing how the mind works and training the mind to interact powerfully with emotions that are being experienced. 

This is what thought training is all about: learning how to observe and identify your thoughts. What they’re linked to and how they are impacting you. Then learning how to detach them from past stories so you’re no longer blindly controlled by them. 

If today you are struggling with grief, start with taking a deep breath. Breathe in for the count of four and hold it. Exhale for the count of four and hold it. Increase to the count of six if you can repeat this four times. Repeat to yourself I acknowledge my sadness, and I give myself grace to breathe and release. Take a moment to honor yourself with love. Play a song that makes you laugh. And if your heart is very heavy, get something ice cold and pressed against your chest. Allow the body to shift into a new mode and repeat the above breaths and mantra.

The work is not easy, but the rewards are freeing.  I wish you peace and balance. Please feel free to leave comments or questions or book a private call.